1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
7) Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.
9) Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.
10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
14) A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
20) Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they’re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc ‘tastes exactly like the real thing’, they won’t know any difference.
21) Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you’d no doubt been made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
22) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of ‘rodeo sex’. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can ‘stay mounted’ for.
23) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
24) Give comics that ‘Pulp Fiction’ feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
25) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
26) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
27) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
28) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money of toilet paper, but you’ll also be getting paid for it.
29) Vauxhall Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
30) A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.
