This is one of those horrible situations where I don’t know what to do for the best. I wrote last week about a reset but nothing ever came of it. As per usual, we kinda just got on with our lives together but apart. Nothing has improved, nothing has got worse either.
We went away last weekend for my Mum’s birthday. There was no arguing, no falling out, no disagreements. Maybe we were all on our best behaviour because of the occasion. I’ve come home and things are not any better. We still have not talked about our problems. We have still not discussed the issues which beset our relationship. We are still not a cohesive unit and perhaps never will be again. Stuck, trapped, settling, I have used all these words and more to describe this relationship. It’s a tough situation to be in at my age.
One of the major issues which prevented me from moving on was the financial implications of moving out. I think that if I could wave a magic wand and fix all of our financial issues I would be in a better place to move on. The irony is that we would probably be in a better place in our relationship. I use relationship in the loosest possible terms. There’s no intimacy here. We don’t have any. We share a bed but its for sleep, and sleep only.
Last week when I wrote reset I was desperate for somewhere to go. This house we are in feels like a millstone around our necks. It needs so much work doing to it before it would sell as a ‘proper home’ and we do not have the money to do the things we need to do. The other issue was where would I go? Recent changes to the rules around tenants mean that I wouldn’t easily be able to evict my tenant out of my old house so I could move back in. This would leave me living in a rental, paying far more than I would have to if I was back in my old house.
Yesterday I got a message from my tenant to say that they are vacating early next year. Does everything happen for a reason? I would normally, immediately, start looking for a new tenant, but on this occasion I have not. Maybe I am destined to move back in there. It would be easy. They are leaving so I do not have to go through a difficult eviction process. My house will be empty. Should I move back in? Tough choices coming up.
I’m meeting Terry on Wednesday and I need to talk this through. I also need to go through the financial situation and see if I can manage with the situation I will find myself in. As mush I as I would love to have the boys on a 50/50 basis, I probably can’t do that due to my work. So I will likely end up paying maintenance for them for the rest of my working life. The good news on that front is that soon I will not have to pay for Tom any longer.
I really don’t know what to do for the best. Before anything I need to sit down with her and talk about it. Can we pull victory from the jaws of defeat or do I need to accept the reality of the situation and admit that it’s over.
