Adrift. Lost. Numb. Treading water. I need to snap out of the fugue state and get back to being me. The traumas of last year finally caught up with me mid-January when I was hit by the ‘flu. I was trying to be strong. I was trying to find my inner resilience and stick, fight, keep moving forward, but the hit to my health on the back of an extremely stressful period in my life was just too much to take. I broke. I cried.
I don’t want to say too much about the finer details of the issue but I feel like I have been done an injustice. I made a mistake. It was not malicious or intentional. I made an error of judgement. The consequence of this mistake has been terrible. Demoted, moved, my salary reduced. I have been hit in both my pocket and my pride. Consequently, my mental health has taken a significant hit. That’s not an easy thing to say. For anyone. It’s been necessary to take some time out.
I am aware that I am responsible for my own recovery. I am aware that I am the chief architect of my future. Right now I am not doing much of anything and that really needs to change. I just need to find the motivation to start using my time productively. I talked about it being time to reconnect last month. So far I have only reconnected with Stellaris. I made an attempt to start using my time positively. I went out walking with Paul, and then Dave, and then Terry. I went for drinks with Reggie and then Craig. I’ve tried to be positive. I’ve tried to be sociable. It’s not easy. I find I spend most of my time alone. Even with these two little boys in my house. Even with a relationship (what!?) – more on that perhaps later. Even with good friends. Despite all this, I spend my time alone and out of the way of everybody.
That has to change if I want to get back to being me. Don’t get me wrong; its necessary to take time out for myself, but too much is not good for me. Winter will soon be behind us. Now is the time to change. It will be good for my recovery to get outside for a bit, right?
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